The Crane Wife
CJ Hauser
"The Crane Wife" is an essay wherein the author switches back and forth between an expedition in the Texan gulf coast to study cranes, 10 days after calling off their wedding, and explanations diving into why they called off the wedding and what went wrong with their relationship to begin with.
The first time I read this essay was in March of 2023. At that time, I had been with my then-boyfriend for approximately half a year, and everything was still going well. My only previous relationship thus far had been extremely one-sided. From the ages of 16 to 19, I had been with a boy my age who highly introverted and generally kept to himself. There wasn't much affection in the relationship. His explanation, usually, was that he was too busy and that he plainly didn't have time. At one point, I decided to not text or call him anymore, and it took hime 3 whole weeks to notice. Even then, I stayed for 2 more months, because - just like CJ in their essay - I felt like I had no right to have needs.
Thus, when I first read the essay, I felt like the experience that CJ was describing was one I had already gone through once. In March 2023, things were going great with my then-boyfriend. He was a very affectionate person, and he frequently made time for me. He had introduced my to his friends and family, and I remember telling my friends that finally things were falling into place, that I was genuinely happy, that there was nothing else I could possibly wish for.
It is now January 2026. I broke up with this man in September. Just like in my previous relationship, I had been begging him for more than a year to give me what is essentially the bare minimum. In May 2024, I had noticed that he had been treating me differently for a few months, making less and less time for me, and acting kind of stand-off-ish. Thus, I asked him (or, more accurately, started a fight on this) - where is this relationship going? Do you still want this? And, more generally, do you wish to have a future with me?
He couldn't give me an answer to my questions. Before then, it hadn't crossed my mind that one could enter a relationship, at an adult age, without looking to build a future together. He told me that he needed time to think about this, and that he'd answer when he was ready to.
And so I waited.
At that time I was still working on my Bachelor's thesis. In August I still hadn't gotten my answer, and thus I started looking for opportunities to either start working or keep studying - outside of our state. When I mentioned this to him, he genuinely lost his shit. He cried, sobbed, saying "This can't be it, this cannot be the end of our relationship". Yet, at the same time, he could not bring himself to just say the word "I want a future with you". He decided to call a friend the next day, and the result was that, when we met up a few days later, he told me that he did love me, but that as long as he was still studying, it was difficult for him to imagine what his post-studies future would look like, and thus couldn't answer my questions. If that sounds like a load of bullshit, that's because it is.
I decided to move to Cologne, into my own apartment, and look for work there. Between September 2024 and January 2025, he had switched back-and-forth on his decision to move in with me approximately a gazillion times. Even when I told him that I did not want him to move in with me anymore, he was still contemplating this option and giving himself unnecessary anxiety over it.
During 2025, the topic of a future together still came up a lot. I was crying myself to sleep over this multiple times a week, and yet tried to pretend like everything was fine, like I just had to wait a single more year until he had finished his studies. Yet, at the same time, he kept blowing his studies, and needing to take more and more time. However, all of this omits the single most important issue in all of this:
I allowed him to treat me this way.
I felt embarrassed to demand more than these crumbs. I felt like it was not my right to ask for his attention, his love, and his commitment. I moved to a new city and chose a career without seriously considering my other options because I got caught in thinking, this is the best I'll ever have. I allowed myself to emotionally depend on an avoidant man-child. I am embarrassed of myself.
I was going through my bookmarks after having set up my new PC. Feeling a bit desperate, searched the hashtag 'love', and stumbled upon The Crane Wife. I didn't remember its content or meaning, but my gut told me that it had, at one point, been a very interesting and eye-opening read. And so I gave it another try.
It's weird and ironic how, when I first read it in March 2023, I kinda felt like I was better and smarter than the author. I was 21 years old then, I had gone through one very shitty relationship, and was convinced that I definitely would not repreat my own mistakes. However, maybe that's where my initial interpretation of the issue fell flat: I assumed that it was a warning. That the author was publically performing this self-flagellation to show every woman: "Don't repeat my mistakes!" I did not fully grasp why the parts about studying cranes were included. My assumption was simply that it was a way to show "Don't worry, you still have a life, even after you've blown your life up!" Now, at 24, I don't think that was the author's intention at all. It is a highly personal story, and while you can draw some teachings from it, that is likely not its aim. It is the author's very intimate way of making sense of the called-off wedding and how it got to that point. There is a very brief expedition into how gender plays into this, but I do not see it as the essay's central piece.
5/5, The Crane Wife is very beautifully written, and defintely worth a read. It is interesting how my perception of the essay has changed over the years. I hope CJ Hauser is doing fine.
02.01.2026, Cologne
Im Westen Nichts Neues
Erich Maria Remarque
"Im Westen Nichts Neues" ist in der heutigen Zeit mit neuen Kriegen und der jüngst eingeführten Wehrpflicht ein Must-Read. Der Protagonist des Buchs ist ein junger, wirklich sehr junger deutscher Mann, der im Anschluss an die Schulbildung mit seinen Klassenkameraden ins Militär eingezogen wird. Die Grausamkeit des Krieges allgemein wird in all ihren Facetten verdeutlicht, insbesondere die Tatsache, dass es junge Menschen sind, die in den Krieg eingezogen werden.
Wer bereits eine Weile gelebt hat, der hat auch Wurzeln geschlagen, und der geht sehr viel weniger Risiken ein. Wer einen Beruf, einen Lebenspartner, eine Familie hat, der hat etwas, zu dem er auch zurückkehren möchte. Hinzu kommt, dass Ältere einen differenzierteren Blick auf die Welt haben, und entsprechend weniger bereit sind, für die Interessen einiger Wenigen zu töten. Die Grausamkeit entfaltet sich jedoch vor allem dann, wenn die Soldaten schließlich aus dem Krieg zurückkehren. Immer wieder betont das Buch, dass der Protagonist Paul und seine Kameraden in ihrem gesamten Erwachsenen-Leben nur Krieg erfahren haben. Sie haben nichts, zu dem sie zurückkehren können. Als Generation sind sie kollektiv für ihr gesamtes Leben dazu verdammt, die Traumata des Kriegs mit sich zu tragen und immer wieder zu durchleben.
Ein Drittel aller getöten deutschen Soldaten sind in den letzten 6 Monaten des Kriegs gestorben. Im Buch wird dies auch veranschaulicht: die Charaktere, mit denen man sich im Laufe des Buches angefreundet hat, sterben am Ende Einer nach dem Anderen wie Fliegen. Bis zum Schluss hatte ich einen gewissen Optimismus in mir, dass es doch noch gut ausgehen würde - entsprechend hart war die Enttäuschung. Als ich die letzte Seite zuende gelesen hatte, in der ein Kommandant den titelgebenden Bericht gibt: "Im Westen nichts Neues.", habe ich mich unaussprechlich leer gefühlt. Da es sich um ein Anti-Kriegs-Buch handelt, welches warnen soll vor den Gräueln des Krieges, ist das wahrscheinlich jedoch auch genau die Reaktion, die das Buch hinterlassen will.
5/5, es hat nachhaltig meine Weltsicht verändert. Ich weiß nicht, ob ich es jemals erneut lesen werde, da es wirklich deprimierend ist.
01.01.2026, Cologne